Analyzing the Idiocy

I've never been quiet with my opinions about Alabama football fans. Most Tennessee fans consider them the most delusional of all sports fans, and from January through August, it was at it's absolute worst. Alabama fans were saying Erik Ainge was overrated, that Bob Stoops would be their head coach, and once they hired Saban, that they'd win the SEC right off the bat. I could somewhat buy into the last point, because all of my analysis said they could, too. However, as the season has progressed, Alabama fans have been shockingly normal. Nothing too over the top, except a few nutzos here and there. We'll analyze those today.

From tidefans.com forum, a prediction for the game:
"I've got no feel for how this one will shake out, but I'll blindly call 28-24 in favor of the good guys."

So you think Tennessee wins? Right on.

Another prediction from tidefans.com:
"Mississippi State scored 21 on UT, so I'll say we score at least that
Bama - 27
UT - 21"

So you think Alabama will hold us to our 2nd lowest output of the season? Florida's D talent >>>> Alabama's D talent. Hell, Mississippi State's defense is as good as Alabama's, and we scored 33, you dolt. Keep in mind Ole Miss scored 24 on your ass, meaning we could put up 40+. Don't let evidence get in the way of your bias.

"More prediction from "12 Rings" on tidefans.com:
31-13 Bama. I think this is the game we punch the gas and keep it down. I'm not worried about (or)ainge picking us apart. They got smoked by two teams in games where there was little or no pressure on him. (he's only been sacked once all year) I'm thinkin this will be the game where our O begins to take shape. RTR !!!!!!!!!!!!"

Riiiiight. 13 points for a team that hasn't scored less than 20 to date? Against a defense that allowed 38 to an Arkansas team that has no passing game, and allowed 21 to a Florida State team that has half the offense Tennessee has? Makes sense ... in backwards land. Ohhhhh BUUUUURN.

From the "10 Reasons Alabama is better than Tennessee" list at 3rd Saturday in Blogtober:
"and the seats are literally 12 inches wide. (That ain’t pretty with Jim Bob and Looloo both going about 3 bills on either side of you.)"

Hilarious ... except for the FACT that Alabama is rated as the 2nd fattest state in America, and Tennessee is like ... 5th. Fifth isn't anything to brag about, fatty Tennesseans, but it isn't 2nd. Sooooo, get your facts straight, Bammer.

From the same list:
"If you like gals that are into Nascar and dipping Skoal maybe Knoxville would suit you fine. You want to see the best Knoxville has to offer? Check your local Saturday morning hunting show? She will be dressed as the Moose. I actually like my women a little more on the classy side. Of course there is more to our women than sundresses and class. You like a challenge? How about a future law student that can kick your tail in a debate on current foreign policy? More likely to find her in Tuscaloosa. Your future smokin’ hot business professional? T-town. I think you get the picture."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahha. Seriously? I mean, seriously? C'mon you can't ... you aren't serious. Right? It's satire, amirite? I'm not going to type some ridiculously subjective statement saying UT coeds are prettier than Alabama coeds, because frankly, both universities have a great share of hotties mctotties. Period. Gun to my head, need to make a decision: UT wins. And I guess Alabama residents don't like Nascar and chew? C'mon. Just so you know, in 2006-2007, Alabama ranked as the 45th smartest state, Tennessee was 30th.

From the same article, on mindsets and what UA football did for the state:
"As a southerner, Alabama football helped put this part of the country on the map. It helped make us count again. It was a shot across the bow to yankees everywhere that we actually could do something good."

I like the last 6 words best, because it shows that grammar isn't something "you do good," either. "Do well," just so you know. Basically, this is why I hate Alabama fans. You're bragging that the only thing your state does well is play football. Your state is the BEST at putting guys in tight pants and ramming into each other. Fantastic! You can have that title! I love college football as much as ANYBODY, but let's keep it what it is: a game, a sport. If Tennessee never wins another game, the world will continue to spin, the state will continue to thrive, and I'll be living. Sure, the wins make it a bit sweeter, but really, when all you can brag about is being #1 in football history, being the 5th dumbest and 2nd fattest state, you have a problem. Catch up Alabama - you can love football AND excel at life. Try it.

The Third Saturday in October! 2007

This is the most important week of the year for me and many of my Vol brethren. Lately, younger fans consider Florida or Georgia bigger games, but even at 25, I know the hatred when I see it. Seriously, if you've always wondered why most of us hate Bammers, head over to tidefans.com and read what they have to say about Tennessee. Or, read this article from last season by me - fair warning, it's me without a censor button. I can't stand Bammers and I'd rather be 1-11 with a win over Alabama than 11-1 with a loss to them.

As for this blog, I again apologize to everyone that it's been sporadic. This has been the most insane month of my entire life, with a 5-year relationship taking a turn for the worse, and computer problems. I promise to the three of you who read this that I'll turn up the heat, especially this week.

More Proof that Bammers are Scum

Let me preface this entry by saying that not all Alabama fans are Bammers. Bammers are the Tide's version of asshole fans - fans that don't understand that while college football is life, it really isn't. Some things are bigger than athletics, to say the least.

Onto why Bammers are scum.

ESPN's Gene Wojciechowski posted a story yesterday about the Jason Foundation, a foundation that helps children and teenagers battling with depression and suicidal thoughts/tendencies/etc. Basically, the article went in depth about how the Flatt family lost a son to suicide, started the foundation, and went to Coach Fulmer to help. Fulmer got 100% behind the foundation, helping raise donations at events, putting money in from his own pocket, and generally being the face of the foundation. You should really read the entire article.

Obviously, being a Tennessee alumnus, I am extremely proud to see a fellow Volunteer do such charitable things, especially someone with such power and wealth. You would imagine that people would respect the foundation and what Fulmer has done. NOPE!

If you head on over to www.tidefans.com, you'll see a thread started on the forums about the article from Woj. The replies start out respectful enough, I guess. However, it spiraled pretty quickly. I'll quote some of the highlights.

"As for Fullmer, I don't care if he saved 100 puppies from drowning until he does something for Alabama or admits he did wrong I hope he rots in hell." (from an ADMINISTRATOR of the site)

"Phil is a scumbag of the worst order."

Followed by ringing endorsements of this sick mindset. Things like, "This just about sums up my feelings for the fat one north of us," and, "You are correct, one at a boy does not make up for all the lying, cheating, scumbag, underhanded secret witness crap."

To be fair, some ALABAMA fans had nice things to say about Fulmer's involvement with the foundation. On the other hand, I can't imagine another rival team's message board being as harsh as this one. Bammers are classless, delusional individuals. You must realize that the charity work Fulmer, Saban, Richt, etc. do is far, far bigger than the game we love. I can't begin to fathom having football rivalries taking priority over human improvement. This foundation has and will save hundreds of kids' lives, but yet, you Bammers couldn't give a shit about that? You care more about baseless stories about "lies" Fulmer has told the NCAA. Yes, Fulmer was a secret witness in a case that was proof of your administration's actions, of which you cannot question the validity. You continue to spout on about how "Fulmer lied about Shaun Alexander, lied about this, lied about that." SHOW US, THEN! Show us something from that investigation that outlines all of "Fulmer's lies." You might find one lie, no more.

In the end, I'm disappointed that people can act like that. This is football, and while I'll sacrifice a lot of things to enjoy the game I love, I know where the game should be on my list of priorities.

Breaking Alabama News

Apparently, Alabama had a record spring game attendance of 92,138 on Saturday, with some to spare. According to reports, they actually had to close the gates because more people wanted to see A SPRING SCRIMMAGE. Good for them, I guess. They have something to be excited about, like they did in 1997, 2001, and twice in 2003. Good for them.

In other news, there were also 92,138 teeth in attendance at Alabama's spring game.

The Third Saturday in October

This week is the week where my logic goes out the window. This week is when I turn off my censor when I talk about football. This week is the week where I want everything Alabama, crimson, and bear related to die slow, painful deaths, preferably in public quarters where families watch. It's the Third Fucking Saturday in October, and my alma mater, the Tennessee Volunteers battle (or kill) the spineless, bitching, crying, diaper-pooping Alabama Crimson Tide.

Honestly, though, I don't HATE Alabama's players personally. I hate them because they play for Bammer. I DO hate Bammer fans, also known as brainless douches. (See, the censor is off for Alabama week) Bammer fans are a completely different breed ... literally. Bammer fans are USUALLY a cross between a cousin's mother's brother and a sheep or mule (depending if it's dark outside when they exit the outhouse). Bammer fans think Alabama has more National Titles than their fans have teeth ... combined. Bammer fans THINK Simeon Castille and Ramzee Robinson are the best pair of corners in the SEC!

Dave Ungerer REALLY likes his corners.

See, Bammer fans have some strange quirks, NAY, strange mental handicaps. They think a man who has been dead for 23 years still coaches their team. Paul "Bear" Bryant, who I think was a GREAT coach and a GREAT man, apparently, is calling plays from the coffin.

Great call on 4th down, Coach!

Bammer fans, I hate you. You make up national titles, you now can only hire coaches named Mike, and you tried to make fun of US for our 5-6 season AFTER you went 3-8 in 2000 and 4-9 in 2003. Do you realize we had the SAME amount of wins in 2004 as your Crimson Tide had in 2003 and 2004 ... COMBINED?! Yeah, get a reality check.

Bammer fans, I hate you. I hate you more than I hate Gaytors, more than I hate Munson and his hobnailed dawgs. I hate you with every fiber of my being. Sometimes, when I'm feeling bored, I draw a picture of Bear Bryant's face and then I defecate all over it. Just for fun. Just because I hate bammers.

Bammer fans, I hate you. I hate you MOST OF ALL because you're too fucking stupid to know that when you got put on probation, IT WAS YOUR FAULT. Do you blame the poor single mother who calls the cops when her home is broken into? Do you blame the passer-by who called the fire department when a building is on fire? NO! But you blame Phillip Fulmer for calling the NCAA on your bullshit. You cheated, plain and simple. Yet, instead of blaming the very institution who committed the crime, you continue to worship the tainted, crimson altar you hold your program on. You blame the messenger. THAT is why I hate Bammers. That, as well as this:

Go fuck yourself, idiot.


(We will return to your normal rants with less vulgarity and less bias after Saturday. Apologies to those who hate foul language.)