Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Third Saturday in October

This week is the week where my logic goes out the window. This week is when I turn off my censor when I talk about football. This week is the week where I want everything Alabama, crimson, and bear related to die slow, painful deaths, preferably in public quarters where families watch. It's the Third Fucking Saturday in October, and my alma mater, the Tennessee Volunteers battle (or kill) the spineless, bitching, crying, diaper-pooping Alabama Crimson Tide.

Honestly, though, I don't HATE Alabama's players personally. I hate them because they play for Bammer. I DO hate Bammer fans, also known as brainless douches. (See, the censor is off for Alabama week) Bammer fans are a completely different breed ... literally. Bammer fans are USUALLY a cross between a cousin's mother's brother and a sheep or mule (depending if it's dark outside when they exit the outhouse). Bammer fans think Alabama has more National Titles than their fans have teeth ... combined. Bammer fans THINK Simeon Castille and Ramzee Robinson are the best pair of corners in the SEC!
Dave Ungerer REALLY likes his corners.

See, Bammer fans have some strange quirks, NAY, strange mental handicaps. They think a man who has been dead for 23 years still coaches their team. Paul "Bear" Bryant, who I think was a GREAT coach and a GREAT man, apparently, is calling plays from the coffin.
Great call on 4th down, Coach!

Bammer fans, I hate you. You make up national titles, you now can only hire coaches named Mike, and you tried to make fun of US for our 5-6 season AFTER you went 3-8 in 2000 and 4-9 in 2003. Do you realize we had the SAME amount of wins in 2004 as your Crimson Tide had in 2003 and 2004 ... COMBINED?! Yeah, get a reality check.

Bammer fans, I hate you. I hate you more than I hate Gaytors, more than I hate Munson and his hobnailed dawgs. I hate you with every fiber of my being. Sometimes, when I'm feeling bored, I draw a picture of Bear Bryant's face and then I defecate all over it. Just for fun. Just because I hate bammers.

Bammer fans, I hate you. I hate you MOST OF ALL because you're too fucking stupid to know that when you got put on probation, IT WAS YOUR FAULT. Do you blame the poor single mother who calls the cops when her home is broken into? Do you blame the passer-by who called the fire department when a building is on fire? NO! But you blame Phillip Fulmer for calling the NCAA on your bullshit. You cheated, plain and simple. Yet, instead of blaming the very institution who committed the crime, you continue to worship the tainted, crimson altar you hold your program on. You blame the messenger. THAT is why I hate Bammers. That, as well as this:
Go fuck yourself, idiot.

(We will return to your normal rants with less vulgarity and less bias after Saturday. Apologies to those who hate foul language.)

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Players of the Last Week You Haven't Heard of

We've all heard about Troy Smith, Mario Manningham, Erik Ainge, Garrett Wolfe, etc etc etc. Each week, I think I'd like to point out some very productive players who won't garner facetime on ESPN, FSN, houserockbuilt, and others. :)

  • Bryan Cupito - Minnesota QB: Against Penn State, Cupito completed 25 of 36 passes for 347 yards and 2 TDs against an athletic PSU defense. With the Gophers unable to run the ball consistently, Cupito took the offense on his shoulders and carried the team to a very close loss. And Gopher fans, please quit sobbing about the bad call in OT ... you were lucky to get that far.
  • La-Rod Stephens-Howling - Pittsburgh RB: Jesus H. Christ Almighty! I rejoice for your performance, but damn your name all to Hell. If I ever mention you again, La-Rod, you will be known as LaRSH ... yes, that's easier. LaRSH's previous season high in 2006 was 66 yards against the famous Citadel defense. Against the Orange of Syracuse, he busted out for 221 yards on 27 carries. One was 70 yards, but even 151 on 26 is incredible. Good job last week LaRSH.
  • P.J. Hill - Wisconsin RB: Another 200+ performance from an unknown stud RB. Hill had actually shown a lot of skills earlier this season, rushing for over 100 in 4 of 5 games. But against Northwestern, he did whatever he wanted. 35 carries, 249 yards, and a touch. He's a big boy, too, but he's short. 5'11" and 242 yards. During his long run, he was caught from behind (because he's big and slow for a RB), but the defender looked like a lamb hitting the hood of a car.
  • Earl Bennett - Vanderbilt WR: One of my favorite unknown players in the SEC. Bennett had 876 yards receiving last season ... as a freshman(!) ... in the SEC (!!!). Against Ole Miss this past weekend, he had 10 catches for 179 yards. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY NINE YARDS! Plus, he told this guy to talk to the hand ...

This will become a weekly update and will probably become more streamlined. So, for the 0 of you who frequent this blog, stick with it.

Thoughts at Random Times

The lovefest in Gainesville for Tim Tebow (who will from here on out be known as T_T) is getting a littttttle nuts. Here's a kid who, for the most part, has been equivalent to an NFL 3rd down back ... but in college. Yeah yeah yeah, he threw 2 TD passes against LSU last weekend, but only 1 was REAL. That pansy ass jump pass was a little too dainty for me to consider a real college football touchdown. I would like to add that I think he do well in Urban Cryer's system in years to come, but right now, the obsession is scary.
Yes, this is a fark of Tim Tebow with a cape ... as if he were Superman ... or SuperTim or Super T_T. Maybe this was after his 10th three-yard run of the season.

Texas is widely ranked ahead of Tennessee, which is okay if only people like Verne Lundquist, Tim Brando, and other talking heads vote. However, there are so-called experts who rank Texas ahead of the real UT. Why? Texas beat Oklahoma .............. Tennessee has beaten Cal and Georgia. Eh, I guess you can't expect fair and knowledgable analysis from experts anymore. Maybe they felt sorry for Texas because Bevo is gone ...
Nobody will truly miss you, Bevo. Except maybe this other guy bull behind you ...

It'd be awesome if that beer was the kid's ...