The Third Saturday in October

This week is the week where my logic goes out the window. This week is when I turn off my censor when I talk about football. This week is the week where I want everything Alabama, crimson, and bear related to die slow, painful deaths, preferably in public quarters where families watch. It's the Third Fucking Saturday in October, and my alma mater, the Tennessee Volunteers battle (or kill) the spineless, bitching, crying, diaper-pooping Alabama Crimson Tide.

Honestly, though, I don't HATE Alabama's players personally. I hate them because they play for Bammer. I DO hate Bammer fans, also known as brainless douches. (See, the censor is off for Alabama week) Bammer fans are a completely different breed ... literally. Bammer fans are USUALLY a cross between a cousin's mother's brother and a sheep or mule (depending if it's dark outside when they exit the outhouse). Bammer fans think Alabama has more National Titles than their fans have teeth ... combined. Bammer fans THINK Simeon Castille and Ramzee Robinson are the best pair of corners in the SEC!

Dave Ungerer REALLY likes his corners.

See, Bammer fans have some strange quirks, NAY, strange mental handicaps. They think a man who has been dead for 23 years still coaches their team. Paul "Bear" Bryant, who I think was a GREAT coach and a GREAT man, apparently, is calling plays from the coffin.

Great call on 4th down, Coach!

Bammer fans, I hate you. You make up national titles, you now can only hire coaches named Mike, and you tried to make fun of US for our 5-6 season AFTER you went 3-8 in 2000 and 4-9 in 2003. Do you realize we had the SAME amount of wins in 2004 as your Crimson Tide had in 2003 and 2004 ... COMBINED?! Yeah, get a reality check.

Bammer fans, I hate you. I hate you more than I hate Gaytors, more than I hate Munson and his hobnailed dawgs. I hate you with every fiber of my being. Sometimes, when I'm feeling bored, I draw a picture of Bear Bryant's face and then I defecate all over it. Just for fun. Just because I hate bammers.

Bammer fans, I hate you. I hate you MOST OF ALL because you're too fucking stupid to know that when you got put on probation, IT WAS YOUR FAULT. Do you blame the poor single mother who calls the cops when her home is broken into? Do you blame the passer-by who called the fire department when a building is on fire? NO! But you blame Phillip Fulmer for calling the NCAA on your bullshit. You cheated, plain and simple. Yet, instead of blaming the very institution who committed the crime, you continue to worship the tainted, crimson altar you hold your program on. You blame the messenger. THAT is why I hate Bammers. That, as well as this:

Go fuck yourself, idiot.


(We will return to your normal rants with less vulgarity and less bias after Saturday. Apologies to those who hate foul language.)