Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Loathed Enemy Coaches: Bottom to Top

Not much to dissect right now on the Tennessee football front, so it's time for ol' faithful - a list! With this list, I'm going to rank the head coaches of Tennessee's 12 opponents this upcoming season. I can and will include any reasoning I can think of. Whether it's our current coach's inability to consistently beat a certain coach, or the hairstyle of the coach - it's all fair game. This should be fun.

12. Steve Roberts - Arkansas State
Poor guy. He coaches at Arkansas State, which is not only in the Sun Belt conference, they are on the lower rung of it. Roberts has a name that comforts me ... Steve Roberts. Nothing to loathe there. A Google search of Steve Roberts links to an artist, a musician, and a journalist. You won't see Steve Roberts the football coach on the first page of links. For that, Steve Roberts, we salute you and your ambiguity as the head coach at Arkansas State.

11. Jeff Bower - Southern Miss
I must say, Jeff Bower could have easily been at #12. He's been an amazing coach at Southern Miss, with 13 straight winning seasons. He played and graduated from Southern Miss, and has been their head coach since 1990. The reason he isn't the least loathed of our enemies is because his team has a slight chance of beating mine, and Mr. Roberts has as much of a chance at beating UT as I have of being invited to the Hamptons. Bower, still, has a place in my heart, in the straight, manly sort of way (not that there's anything wrong with that). I like when coaches stay at their alma mater - it shows a true love for your school and the game. He's also known for consistently creating a disciplined team that fights until the last whistle blows. If your team was a little worse, you'd be #12.

10. Sylvester Croom - Mississippi State
I've heard Sylvester Croom compared to a "big ol' teddy bear" more than I ever wished I would have. He's a cuddly guy with a cuddly mustache and a cuddly name. Sylvester ... like the cat, but a human. It's precious. He's in a no-win situation but carries himself with dignity. I respect that. I also respect that he wore a jersey with the Swiss watch logo on it. Or was it the Red Cross? I don't know, but it was precious, as well. Croom might only have 2 seasons left in Cowbell Station, so he gets our pity love as well. Because he's an SEC coach, we have to loathe him a little more than some of the out of conference guys. Plus, Sylvester is, you know, precious.

9. Rich Brooks - Kentucky
When I started to write this entry, I thought my dislike for Rich Brooks would come easy, but it hasn't. He looks like a nice enough guy. He ruffled some feathers in Lexington when he somewhat insulted Jared Lorenzen, Derek Abney, and pre-Brooks Kentucky football. So, for that, Rich Brooks, I like you. Anybody, regardless of allegiance, who pisses off our mentally challenged foes up north, is good in my book. The reason, though, I don't like you, Richard, is because in 2003, you tried to move Jared Lorenzen to wide receiver. The 6'4", 285 pound quarterback ... at wide receiver. Lorenzen was unsackable! Defensive ends would bounce off of him like the recipient of a trampoline super jump. Plus, now that the Wildcats have won a bowl game, the entire fanbase has lost it's collective mind. Thus, I lay blame on you, Head Coach of Kentucky, Rich Brooks. I hope you enjoy missing a bowl.

8. Bobby Johnson - Vanderbilt
I guess this is where I begin to fully loathe the coaches I reference. It's a little unfair for Bobby because I get sick and tired of the false assertions that Bobby Johnson is somehow better than his predecessors at Vanderbilt. Of course, Bobby isn't the one saying that junk, but I loathe him for it. He's actually worse than Woody Widenhofer, but that's another story in itself. Plus, his team luckboxed a victory over the worst UT team in 20 years in 2005. Their fans still talk about it, even after the 4 touchdown loss this past November. And what's with this picture? All I see is a face! No hair, no shirt, but I'm sure they're there. I just see a face!

7. Rickey Bustle - Louisiana at Lafayette
Yeah, I said it. I don't like you Rickey Bustle, and nobody else should either. Sure, you have a wife and kid, and you've done great things for your Ragin Cajuns. Ken Lay did good things for Enron at one point, too. First of all, you were Mike Vick's college quarterback coach. That alone should make you an accessory to the two felony charges Mr. Mexico is facing. Second, you coached Jim Druckenmiller. Jim freaking Druckenmiller. Druckenmiller was a back-up ... IN THE ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I didn't even know they had back-ups in that league. Third, your cabeza is too big for your body. Petty? Sure I am. But it's like a watermelon atop a tennis ball - it shouldn't be able to happen. Next, that gap. David Letterman feels sorry for you. Lastly, you remind me of Greg Popovich, and I don't like him either. Burnt!

I would just like to say that I am only poking fun.

Expect the 2nd half of this ridiculous idea on Monday.

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