Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Loathed Enemy Coaches: Bottom to Top Part 2

We continue with our incredibly dumb idea of ranking Tennessee's 12 opponents' head coaches in order of least hatred to OMFGIWANT2KILLYOUNOW hatred. Like I said before, any reason I can think will be included in my rationale for this list. I ended last week with Louisiana's head coach Rickey Bustle at #7. I made myself snort while doing it, but I doubt anyone else did. Onward, to the top half.

6. Houston Nutt - Arkansas
I think I would actually rank Nutt higher if not for the circus that's come to Fayetteville. I feel sorry for him, honestly. Sure, he's insane, but he has that "mentally-handcapped-but-not-so-handicapped" look about him. Still, he lands in the upper half of this list because he had the audacity to sign a Dick and a Johnson, all the while being named Nutt. Why is that a bad thing? It wasn't ... at first. Not until every single John Q. Fute-bawl fan figured it out. It's like the Chuck Norris jokes, but not clever anymore. I also find that a person who names all of their children with names beginning with the same letter as the parent, have a complex. Houston Nutt's 4 kids: Haven, Hannah, Hailey, and the effing cherry on top, Houston the 3rd. What the hell is that about? What if your name was Xavier Nutt? What would yo do then, genius?

5. Jeff Tedford - California
You know, he seems like a nice enough guy, I guess, but like I've said over and over, I have a lot of reasons, which might not be the fault of the coach, that make me despise the coach. Tedford is generally heralded as God in Berkeley (which, in itself, is a freaking "does not compute" moment for me). Cal-Berkeley fans (1 dollar to Les Miles) continually assert that Tedford is one of the 10 best coaches in college football. Yeah, it pisses me off, too. He's done a good job with a dead program. Great, a lot of coaches have done that. However, it doesn't automatically put you in the upper echelon. There are two hills to climb in college football: the first, get good; the second, get great. Tedford and the Bears are beginning the climb for the 2nd one, but are still years away. I actually predict in 2 years, I'll be writing an entry called, "Can Tedford Really Take Cal to the Top?" Bookmark it, I guess. Anyway, his team came into Neyland Stadium, simultaneously crapped themselves, and went home. And for that, Coach Tedford, I don't like you.

4. Mark Richt - Georgia
With the introduction of Urban Meyer, and the re-introductions of the OBC and the Liar, Richt drops down the line. Without those 3, he'd be Enemy #1, but only because he wins in Neyland Stadium more than Rick Clausen did. Richt doesn't have that grating personality or the jokes to get a rise out of you. He just is flat out better than our head coach, and for that, I dislike him. Munson's call in the 2001 game adds to my dislike of Richt, as does Mark's timeless combover. The absolute best thing about combovers, and I see it's happening to Mark's already, is that it makes it all the more obvious when your hair begins to thin and your hairline begins to recede. I hope Richt one day embraces the bald combover style.

Regardless of his wavy hair, he brought Georgia back to the college football world, and is 3-0 in Knoxville. He's 4-2 overall against our guy, with a couple of blowouts in there. I think he'll fall down the list if we beat the Dawgs in Knoxville this season.

3. Urban Meyer - Florida
It seems a bit strange to have him here, as most Tennessee fans hate the piss out of Urban. Plus, he's the head coach at Florida, after a national title. The top 3 on this list are so close in hatred, that Meyer at 3 is more like Meyer at 1c. He's begun to put to action the Phil Fulmer Theories on Discipline, but he takes it beyond what we've seen. He suspends players for Western Carolina and Southern Miss, but they somehow play against Tennessee and LSU. He cries, moans, and bitches when anything goes against him, even if it greatly benefits say, 2,000 high school seniors. I hate the way he talks, by the way. It's kind of womanly, quivery, at times. How tall is this guy? I feel like Big Bird is coaching the Gators. He's 2-0 against Tennessee (not a surprise there - thanks CPF). His daughter is insane hot, though, so that helps his case. Overall, he's a poor disciplinarian, he's selfish, and he isn't quite a man.

2. Steve Spurrier - South Carolina
The most hated man in Tennessee from 1990 through 2001, Spurrier won many many many games over our best decade of Vols ever. Peyton Manning was 0-3 as a starter against Spurrier's squads. The OBC cracked jokes at our expense, which, to be fair, were hilarious and spot on. I think most UT fans would still rank him as the #1 on this list, but he's more fun at South Carolina, where he actually loses some games. He's less intimidating there, and he's held back his remarks about UT, well, because neither team has been very good the last 2 seasons. If South Carolina wins the division, expect the Spurrier insults to return, and for the OBC to jump back to #1.

1. Nick Saban - Alabama
Combine our biggest rival school with a lying, successful coach, and you have the #1 most hated coach in Tennessee. Alabama has not been Alabama for around 10 years now, so the hatred of the program has decreased. But this move is like the Devil merging with the SuperDevil.

Saban has already ruffled the NCAA's feathers with alleged secondary recruiting violations, whilst also calling out other SEC coaches, urging them not to turn each other in. On a completely unrelated note that has nothing to do with the prior sentence, Nick Saban was reported to be the most "turned in" coach in the SEC. In the end, Coach Saban comes off as a slimeball, and coaches at an institution full of slimeballs. Plus, he never has time for this shit.

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