Monday, July 21, 2008

Big Orange Roundtable, Volume 1, Week 3

These roundtables sure do make the time fly by. The wait for the season is evaporating by the week, and we're only about 6 weeks away! Rocky Top Talk has the privilege of hosting the questions this week, and he made some doozies. Here are the responses in so far:

Southeastern Sports Blog
3rd Saturday in Blogtober
Moondog Sports
Fulmer's Belly
Gate 21
Loser with Socks
Rocky Top Talk

And onto the worst of the bunch, mine:

1. For some inexplicable reason, Phillip Fulmer invites Urban Meyer, Mark Richt, Steve Spurrier, Nick Saban, Les Miles, and Tommy Tuberville over to his palatial estate for a dinner party. At 2:00 a.m. the next morning, The Papa discovers that Smokey IX has been murdered. Who did it, with what, and where? Think Clue. You know, Mr. Mustard in the parlor with the candlestick?

The wind howls through the great maples, the raindrops tap upon the window, and the distant croaks of bullfrogs orchestrate this haunting evening. Inside a Southern mansion in Maryville, Tennessee, a light suddenly illuminates in an upstairs window, followed by a guttural scream of a man whose best friend has just been found dead, head removed. The man runs down the stairs to find his bluetick hound, Smokey, dead and decapitated. The man is Phillip Fulmer, and as he holds his dearest Smokey IX, he knows he has a duty to his furry friend. But ... where does he start? Which way? He smirks, then gets on all fours, sniffing the Appalachian Red Oak. He finds a scent, then a hat - a very large hat. This purple and yellow hat has blood all over it. The Papa glides his finger across the blood, then tasting it. Yep, he knows it - he knows Smokey's blood. Ever since that day in '96 in Anderson County when Smokey caught his left haunch on a barbed wire fence, Papa has known the taste. This hat, he knows who owns it, and thus, who ended Smokey's life prematurely. But just as Papa is about to call the authorities, he hears a rustling from a nearby hall closet. It grows louder, louder, louder, and the door explodes open ...

The look of pure terror upon the Papa's face told it all - the half man, half Neanderthal beast was right there; within arms length. Les Miles continues screaming for what seemed like hours, but really just a minute or two. As the Papa stared at his beloved Smokey's head on a platter, he had a flashback to 1995 when he and Peyton Manning took the life out of Alabama with a playaction touchdown on the first play of the game. Why? Because that was the strategy for this monster - end it quickly. With lightning-like quickness, the Papa unleashes a deadly Dtae Wiang to the beast's neck, ending the battle before it begun. But yet, he is still without Smokey.

2. Who between Eric Berry for the defense and Gerald Jones for the Clawfense will have the biggest impact for the Vols in 2008?

Tough question, here, truly. I'm going to say it and hope nobody bludgeons me, but Eric Berry's freshman campaign was a litttttttttttle overrated. Yes, he was incredible, but you have to add the "for a freshman" phrase. This year, he'll be all around very, very good. However, if he's just good, the defense should still be much improved. I think the Oklahoma Whirlwind adds a dimension to the offense not seen since ... ever? We've had top notch wide receivers like Robert Meachem, Alvin Harper, Donte Stallworth, etc, but Jones brings a shape shifting ability that can't be denied. Therefore, the Oklahoma Whirlwind will have a bigger IMPACT than Goon #1.

3. You devise a way to harness the Lost island's temporal displacement properties. The island will allow you to change one thing, but one thing only, in the history of the Tennessee Volunteer football program. What do you change? By the way, Ben warns that if you try to say "2005" or any other entire season, the mysterious clicking black smoke will sound its wailing siren, shoot from the earth, grab you by the ankles, and pound you to a pulp against a palm tree. So change only one thing. Unless, of course, you like that sort of thing.

I would change the 2004 SEC Championship Game. Odd choice, eh? I have a point, though. Let's say for a second that we won the SECCG in 2001, and our 2002-2007 seasons were the same as what REALLY happened, we'd be in a very similar situation as we are now. However, if we win that game against Auburn, 2005 probably doesn't happen, we have 3 SEC titles under Fulmer, with one being in the last 4 seasons. We'd be in far better shape in terms of national perception. Would we still have Randy Sanders? That's a damn good question.

4. What about the future? What is your worst fear for this upcoming season, the turn of events that would send you into a blind rage?

Well, duh, 0-12 would be the worst fear. But that's not realistic. There is a 0% chance of that. So what is a realistic possibility? Losses at UCLA, versus Florida, at Auburn, at Georgia, versus Alabama, and at South Carolina. 6-6, while a small probability, could happen in the worst case scenario. That would literally send me into a remote-throwing, pillow-tearing, self-punching, chair-sawing, stranger-chiding, car-wrecking, whiskey-guzzling rage. I'd stop.

1 comment:

Ghost of Neyland said...

Great pic of Miles.

As for your comment on Berry, we simply won't address it.